One year Anniversary

Well it's been a year, and a day since I had my abortion. Saying the word still makes me cringe, thinking that I went through at of that... me, me?!? It just doesn't make sense in my mind. I was never that person, that girl, the one who had the problems and messed up life. Oh wait, yeah, that is me, and this is called denial!

That doesn't mean that life isn't good, it's just shocking to look back and think, "that happened to me?". I think at the time I was in such a state of shock and disbelief, I think I am still processing it all. And I think these anniversaries can be a bit depressing. It's not even something I consciously think about, yet every once in awhile it dawns on me when I am walking around, or doing nothing out of the ordinary- that a year ago I was living through one of the worst things I have experienced so far. It's been a good year, and a trying year all at the same time. John and I split up, fairly recently. There were just too many skeletons in the closet- and he is not as good at locking them up and throwing away the key, at least not without chemical assistance.

The move was bittersweet, an ending and a beginning wrapped up together, too close for comfort yet not able to be separated, either. It was for the best- but there are always nights when you are lonely, and it's nice to have someone there because you can't sleep... to be by your side when the night and the past haunt you. We are still friendly, still keep in touch. When we do see each other it is painful, he still says he regrets everything and often cries when I see him. And I don't know how I feel when this happens. Relief that I am not tied to someone who abuses substances and reminds me of the bad parts of my dad, just a bit too much. Sadness that another thing in my life didn't work out. Memories, of a year ago. Painful and hard to take in, the rush over me when I see the tears in his eyes, the look on his face. The same look he had when he leaned over me, a year ago, and cried because he could see the pain I was in.

I think that my body is having sympathetic pains. My boobs are all swollen - to the point where I even went through a really sore stage. I felt like I might be pregnant- so I took a test even though I finally got my period. My back aches and it feels like someone is stabbing me in the uterus. Is this a case of mind over matter/body? As I was walking to the bathroom to take it, to be sure, I thought- if I have to make this decision, again: I'd rather die. It's just one of those situations where it's really hard to see the positive side, really hard to weigh your options- because you don't feel like you have any. It's something that is happening to your body, and you need to address it no matter what your plan of action is, and take action. You have no choice but to make a choice.

How do I deal with this? How do I accept the fact that this happened to me, that my body is reacting strangely, and that I am still deeply sad a year after the fact? It's hard, it really is. In the end, I still think I made the right decision. I just wish I never had to make it in the first place.

after shocks

just when you think that things are out of your system, something happens to remind you that this was a life changing experience and it will always be a part of you. John went out and had a few drinks the other night and came home visibly upset. I tried to understand what was wrong, and in his incoherent state he blurted out "I made you do it", "it's my fault" and told me how he saw a beautiful child in the park that day and it just shook him to the core. I knew that our silence about the subject was breeding a build up of emotions that would need to be dealt with, and there it was. We cried together and held each other and agreed to talk about our feelings more often.

Remains of 4 pre-term Md. infants found

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070731/ap_on_re_us/mother_charged;_ylt=Av.iTkkJz9dk2ZinSN9S4q9H2ocA

This is just crazy. Although who am I to judge...but, really. Please note: don't read if you are sensitive to really depressing news stories.

a brighter day...

John is in school now, and in two years he will have a job that can support a family, which we both seem to want. I am working in a job that also helps with that, although I think we will move to the suburbs to have children. Having a child is scary to begin with, but I think it will be much less scarier when we know that we will be able to care for the child and provide for the child. I pray that my experience does not make my future pregnancy too sad. Maybe it will be healing, I don't know. What I do know is that I went from the type of person who didn't give a thought to having children to the type of person who has the complete desire to experience such a wonderful gift, life. I will never, ever forget Sophie. I will always be truly and deeply sorry that entire situation happened as it did. If I could go back right now (knowing what life is like having made the choice not to have her) I really don't know how it would affect my decision. I was so lost at the time, with no job, a new apartment, and John having just moved here and newly employed at a starting rate. Things were just too unstable. I am working to build stability, if not for a future child but also for myself. Last night I was reading a book about a woman who was told that her child died at birth (even though it was taken away to a "home" because she was born with down syndrome). I wept as the woman went through her life feeling empty, wondering what it would be like had her daughter been there sharing experiences. I broke down into tears when the woman, the main character kept saying "it's as though Phoebe is at the top of the stairs, always kind of there but just out of reach". I know how she feels. I think that once a woman carries a life inside her, no matter what the circumstances, she is in some way attached to that life. And if part of her wants to nourish that life, the loss of it will forever be a part of her that is lost. A missing piece.
Thankfully, John was more than understanding and sat up and held me while I cried, talked with me about his feelings, and helped me get to bed.

well it has been a long time. There have been many highs and lows on this journey.

for awhile, i thought i was pregnant again (even thought we've been careful).
then i decided to go off the depo shot (because i was getting anxius about having one, and almost passed out/threw up when i did...it was traumatic!)

since i went off the shot, i bled for at least three months straight. worse than the bleeding was the stabbing pain that reminded me of "right after". i'd lie awake at night and wonder what I had done to myself and if it was even worth it all? I do know one thing for sure. Personally, I can not withstand another one. I believe it is each of our own decisions what we do with our bodies, yes. And my body is telling me no more!
It's also a funny thing when you hit 26. at 25 I thought, I could care less if I ever had a baby in my lifetime. At 26, i can FEEL the clock ticking. Not that I have to, but i WANT to.
Which is why I am employed full time and John has gone back to school. We plan to start a family in a few years when we feel our children will have a much more stable, happy, and healthy home to be brought up in.

life does go on

I went to visit my grandma yesterday. She found out through my mom what had happened. It was kind of hard to keep her in the dark considering the fact that we are somewhat close. She lost a baby (one of 6 total) and had to carry it full term, knowing that the child inside her was dead, because it was the 50's and that's the way they did things back then. We now have something in common, albeit under different circumstances, we realized that the loss of any life growing inside of you is extremely hard and emotionally it tears you to pieces. It was really, truly a wonderful thing to feel the support, understanding, and love from my Grandmother yesterday. Although the circumstances were different, the feelings are very, very similar.

Having an abortion has rocked my world. I am in counseling and on anti depressants. Sometimes I need medication for panic attacks. This was yet another loss in my life, and yes I chose this but I felt I had no other choice. I made the decision based on the quality of life my child would have had, had I continued the pregnancy. Growing up, I had parents who tried but were unstable financially and in their relationship, who were emotionally abusive and threatened physical violence. I cannot have a child, after years of trying to cope with my childhood, unless I know that I can provide a better life for them than I led growing up. Although, if I do get pregnant again, I am having the baby (don't worry I am on the depo shot and being really careful!). If that were to happen I am prepared now. There are parenting classes that focus on reducing child abuse through education, and I would attend those. I am also in therapy to work on my own issues to give me the confidence that I could raise a child without mentally ruining them, which is how I feel right now because of all of the things in my life I have yet to deal with.

Abortion is so traumatic and brings up so many issues, I do not ever want to experience it again.
It seems as though a lot of anti-abortion people think that mothers who "kill" their babies don't think of them as human and are very heartless about it all, as if they don't care what they are doing and don't see the reality of abortion. That wasn't me. I weighed all of my options. I realize fully what I did and take responsibility for it each and every day of my life. But most importantly I know that I am not bringing a child into a world where his/her family life would be chaos, where there is little hope for them to have a happy future. In my "selfishness", I thought of the child and the child only. I still pray everyday that there was no pain to my Sophie, that she didn't know what was happening and that she is someplace better now. It pains me to think otherwise and I am so sorry, Sophie. Everyone has their beliefs on this subject, I have heard the range of them. This is what I have to believe to be strong and continue on.

If healthcare were free for everyone, if daycare were free or reasonable, if I had a family able to step in when I needed help, a stable income, things would be different. But that is not reality. Reality is a world that is not set up to help women who are alone and pregnant and don't have many options to give their children a good life. I know that what I did was the only thing I could do, given my situation, and that I did it in a very informed, responsible way.

Someday I hope to have a child, someday when I have finished school and have a steady job, a place to live that won't change every year as it did when I was little, friends to support me emotionally, and the ability to feed and clothe and get my child the proper healthcare he/she deserves. This is not a matter of "when the time is right for me" or "I just didnt want the child because I want to finish school". It is a matter of quality of life for the child, putting the child first. You have to give your children a head start in this world with love, nurturing, stability, support, mature parents, guidance... or they will grow up as my brother and I did and flounder around, frustrated and lost, yet trying to find their way to be able to support themselves, learn how to give and receive love in a healthy way, know what their hobbies and passions are and pursue them, find a career that is satisfying, take care of their health and mental well being. Things as simple as going to college, holding down a job, knowing how to build and keep good credit, live a life that is happy and fulfilling, are all very vital and get lost in the cracks when parents are lost themselves. I want my child to have the chance to make it somewhere in the world, with two parents there for support and guidance. I cannot bear the thought of knowingly making someone else grow up as I have. I want to break the cycle in my family of abuse, neglect, poverty, unhappiness. Until I am able to do so, it is not a responsible thing for me to have a child.

time for my depo shot

It's been three months exactly. Which means I had to go get a depo shot so that I don't risk pregnancy again. I thought it would be fine, because I arranged to have it in my doctor's office and not at the place where my pregnancy was terminated. I explained ahead of time to the nurse that I had a bad experience and still felt traumatized, so she was wonderful, caring, and supportive during my visit.

The problem is, I still had that image in my mind of the nurse (just after waking up from the abortion) grabbing my arm and jabbing me roughly with the needle, as I white knuckle the chair in incredible pain from the procedure.

So even though I tried not to think about it all, went in bravely and positively, the waiting made me anxious and I almost passed out while she was giving me the shot. I had overcome that years ago, but here it was again, I was dizzy and felt like I was going to throw up on the spot.

The shot was over just as I was pretty sure I'd be puking on the floor, and my nerves cooled off a bit.

I left the doctors office and got into my car. Tears came streaming down my face. Memories of the nights I was up crying before the procedure came rushing back. And worse, I started to think of having a little someone growing inside of me, wondering what they looked like and felt at that moment. I cried the entire way home.

John has been having dreams of running through fields holding the hand of his daughter, who looks like a tiny version of me. He wants a child. So we are both going to school and working on ourselves and our personal issues as well as relationship issues so that we can have a child the right way. The child can grow up in a happy, healthy, supportive and STABLE home.
someday.

after effects

I was in the grocery store with my aunt the other day and we ran into her friend, who is 6 months pregnant. I realized that I would be too, had my life situations allowed. My aunt was so joyous and talking with her happily about it. All I could do was nod my head meekly and return her glowing grin with a pathetic half smile, turning my head quickly away to hide the pain and try not to cry.

I can't be happy for others yet. I am not in a place where i can relate to or feel any of that joy for someone else. My wound is still extremely raw, wide open, and in need of careful healing. I just could not feel it, and I am not one to fake emotions, it's something I think is shallow and try to avoid doing, so I did my best to get through the situation and thankfully it passed quickly.

I know that there is so much more healing that needs to be done.

I am trying this new kind of therapy where you put the person in a chair across from you (with a therapist) and tell them whatever you'd like to say to them (living or dead or in between).
I put Sophie in the chair and tearfully told her that I am sorry, so very deeply truly sorry that I wasn't ready for her yet and that someday, when the time is right she can come back to me and our life will be better...I will be able to be the mother and provider that she needs and deserves.

At night before I go to sleep I send her my love peace and hope. During the day I do my best to not to be so hard on myself. She is always on my mind, lingering there in the back of the surface of my consciousness until she is brought back front and center in full force by situations such as another happy pregnant woman.

I try to envision her before I go to sleep at night not as something deposited into the hazardous waste bin at the end of my body, legs in stirrups, a painful and traumatic thought. I replace that thought, sometimes I have to repeat this over and over again, with the vision of her, my Sophie, safe and peaceful, and I paint her in pink, I send her love and peace.

In the mean time I try to take it day by day, and do my best to understand that it will all be easier with time passing, with healing, with taking care of myself mentally emotionally and physically, and with therapy. (which I think is a very, very important thing for most women who have had an abortion that was traumatic to them)
If this has happened to you, please do not stuff or deny your feelings. Please reach out for help and take care of yourself. You deserve it. We all deserve it.

With all of this being said, it still does not change the fact that most of all, if I had one wish, it would be that this had never, ever happened. But I realize that everything, everything single thing that happens in our lives is for a reason; and that everything, good or bad (or even horribly traumatic) can be a lesson if you allow it to be. The very least one can do in a situation like this is learn from it. And through all of this suffering that is my goal. To heal my wounds and to learn the lessons I was meant to learn.

checking in

it seems as though things are getting easier.
i think, i hope. i worry sometimes when its going ok and i am not feeling sad because these types of things can come up and bite you in the butt when you least expect it.

Physically i feel like i've finally recovered. i am able to do all the normal things i did before, sex, long walks, etc. i am not bleeding and am awaiting my first period since july. I pray that it is not as painful as i think it could be, with all i've put my uterus through and being one of those lucky heavy bleeders as it is... If there is great cramping i worry that it may remind me of how i felt after the procedure (on a smaller scale) and i really hope it goes smoothly.

i am so nervous now about getting pregnant again, because i've been told that after a d&c you are even more fertile, and when you go on the shot (as i did) it takes a month to kick in, i've been making john wear condoms to be extra safe. how ironic would it be, to go through all this because the time isnt right and my life isnt stable, and then get pregnant right away because of a birth control slip up. i dont think my body could handle it, emotionally, and i promised myself that i am never having an abortion again, no matter what the situation, so it would be a pretty crazy situation and i find myself hyper vigilant to prevent it.

john and i have stopped talking about it for the time being, it seems to be on the back burner.
most days i wake up now and know that it was for the best, i cant picture myself as a parent and cannot even imagine what life would be like if i had kept the baby. there will definitely always be the "what if..." thoughts in the back of my mind, but i suppose that is to be expected.

i think time has helped to heal this wound a bit, just a bit. I also hope that someday when i am more mature, in a stable relationship for a longer period of time, and set in some type of career that is stable and fulfilling i can have a family of my own. not having this baby, not having what could have been has made me realize that i do want it, when the time is right, or at least feasible. i still feel the need to apologize to my baby, the one that came along at the worst possible time, i feel the need to tell her that i am forever and ever, deeply sorry.

i promised myself that if i didnt go through with the pregnancy, that i would go to school.
so i applied, and i am submitting all of the paperwork and filled out my fafsa, so now i am waiting to hear if i got in. i had to at least do that for myself, its almost as if it makes what happened a little more ok with me, like the reason for not having a child was a solid one (i need an education first) so it was very, very important for me to do it.

another thing that haunted me, was when i got on the table at planned parenthood, the wheeled a trash can beneath my legs. i could not STAND the thought of my baby going into a trash can, and I also had horrible thoughts of my baby, happily resting inside my womb and then kicking and screaming when the metal object came at her to expel her from me. but through discussing this with a midwife, her answer (albeit a potentially generic one) helped me. she said whenever you go against nature, it's just not pretty. it helped me to understand that what i was doing was traumatic, for me, the baby, my womb, and there was no way around it. it is what it is, and once i understood, i began to accept it for what it was, and somehow became a bit more at peace with it.

new years

i am praying for a better new year. i have had so much stress, pain, and heartache i really hope it happens. i am so worried about John, this is tearing him up inside and he doesn't have an outlet (like i do with writing) to let it all out. i suggested yesterday that maybe he right a letter to sophie, like i did. it's really a hard thing to do. you have to really feel the pain deep inside of you that is locked up and let it out to be honest in a letter like that. He's also struggling with the being a man and feeling bad for crying or showing so much feeling. well, he has a safe place here, with me, to talk about it. things are really hard right now, but we are trying, doing our best to get through.
new year's eve he had too much to drink (like everyone else, right?) well when that happens he gets mean, and we had a fight over nothing, literally, nothing. well i know it was something underlying but his intoxicated mind couldnt put it into words so he just took it out on me. not physically but he's just MEAN, and then he threatens to leave, which is the last thing i want to hear when we've invested so much time in each other and working on things, and when we love each other so much. we didnt see the ball drop. the beginning of the night was amazing, dancing etc at a club (which usually isnt my style but we had friends visiting so why not) well now i know why not. he cant handle it. i have to be the one to make sure everyone gets home on the subway safe, John almost got arrested because he slipped through the security door instead of swiping his card, right in front of a cop. I had to smooth it over, talk him back to the other side and to go through the right way. it was a nightmare. i just want peace and happiness in my life but it seems as though the choices i make and sometimes the person i am with just don't facilitate that. my heart aches and my uterus is still sore. i am sick of being sick of this, and frustrated right now. It has been a trying year, and the abortion was the icing on the cake. I hope and pray for a calm, peaceful, serene new year. and i've sworn off alchohol, which wont be hard at all since i barely drink anyway. it's just not worth it.