I just found out that I am pregnant. Me? pregnant? I am in shock. It is the day after thanksgiving. I was laying in bed, half dozing in the morning and i realized it had been just too long since i had my last period. I didn't think I could be pregnant though because I had gone for my yearly exam on September 27th and the doctor didnt say anything. I haven't had my period since August. I think. Something told me it was time to get out of bed and buy a pregnancy test.

for a few years I was married, and tried to have children. It just didnt work, so I thought something was wrong with me. Now every time I thought that I might be pregnant, i remembered the times when we tried (and boy did we try) and it didn't work. I really thought I couldn't get pregnant, so there must be something wrong with me that was stopping my period.
John and I were divorced, I moved away, and over time we reconciled. We were just beginning to reconcile, looking for an apartment to share together and had just started counseling. He was the only one I was sleeping with. It hadn't worked before, for so many years, so it just couldn't be possible now.


I had ignored the two women who told me I "looked pregnant". How does someone look pregnant?
I had ignored the fact that when John would hug me, my boobs heart so bad I screamed in pain.
I had ignored the fact that my boobs no longer fit in any of my bras, and my jeans didn't fit me either.

I went to work every morning too tired to walk the stairs in the subway. Escalators and elevators were my best friends. Standing for more than five minutes made me want to pass out and possibly throw up. but I hadnt had any morning sickness, so it couldn't be.

It must be mono, cancer, stress, depression... but as i sat on the toilet watching the screen on the test flash a few times and then announce that i was PREGNANT, my mind still could not grasp it.

They say that your heart knows things about your body and your feelings, and tries to tell you these things subtly. In my heart I knew all along, but in my brain I could not grasp that this could happen to me.

My brother had come for thanksgiving and John was back home visiting his family. I called him that morning, shaking and crying, and told him the news. He was happy, thrilled that it was possible, then started telling me different ways we could do this, do this together and it would all be alright. If we didn't have enough money, we could move in with is mom. He couldn't wait to see what his child looked like, he hoped it was a girl, and she'd be as beautiful as me.
My heart melted when he said that. Thoughts of the three of us poured through my mind.

I needed a lot of reassuring that things would be ok. When we got off the phone I swore off caffeine, alchohol, anything that would hurt the baby.
Everywhere I went, the baby was on my mind.

Later that day my brother and I went for a walk in the park. It was the day after Thanksgiving so it was filled with families. I was surrounded by children, babies, parents, grandparents. I kept staring at them, trying to imagine what it would be like. I kept touching my stomach imagining it growing and imagining the feeling of the baby, our baby, moving inside of me.
I was scared, but John seemed pretty sure and positive that we would think of a way to make it work.