John came home today. I think after the initial shock and happiness of it all wore off, reality set in.
We were just getting back together and had many, many things to work through. He was just moving here to a new city and beginning a new job that didn't pay as much and we could barely afford to support ourselves. There was no room in the apartment we found for a child. He pointed out that everything we planned and dreamed for in life would change. We wanted to travel, we wanted to see the world and experience more. I needed to finish school. One of us needed a steady job. And we live in a city now where raising a child is much more of a challenge than most other places.

The doubts began to set in. In my mind I knew he was right. In my heart, well, my heart just broke. I couldn't imagine myself as a mother, but I couldn't imagine not having this child.
The last thing I wanted to do was "trap" John into a situation where he wouldn't be happy. If I was going to have this baby, I was going to have to come up with a plan to do it all on my own.
As much as I tried, I couldn't come up with many ways...
Neither of our families were very supportive, I am on unemployment and usually work in the restaurant industry, which means long hours and no room to call in sick-ever. And I couldnt work in the late stages of pregnancy. I could barely work in the early stages. And there was no where for us to live. This city is competetive and expensive when it comes to apartments, we were lucky to find the one we have and can barely afford it. I have horrible credit thanks to our divorce and can't get an apartment on my own. My fairy tale story, my happily ever after, was turning into a welfare nightmare.
I wanted my child to have the best chance at life. I didnt want my child to have the struggle emotionally and financially that I had. I was beginning to feel like i'd be repeating history. bringing another child into the world that barely had a fighting chance.