I have barely slept. My mom is here and John and her are both fast asleep. It is the evening before the abortion. I am crying so hard I can barely see, after I laid for awhile on the bathroom floor, shaking and crying, I got up and went to the computer. I had to say goodbye. I feel as though someone has reached in and wripped my heart out of my chest. I am an asshole.
Dear sophie,
there are some things that i need to tell you before you go.
Just thinking about you leaving me is tearing me apart, but i cannot imagine how you could possibly stay.
I never thought i could feel pain in my heart as i do now, i can feel it breaking to pieces
and yet i have never and will never see your face.
I cant tell you how many times i have wished for you, for happy times through all of the stages that come with new life, i hoped so long for this to happen to me, just at a different time in my life and under different circumstances.
now you are here, and the timing could not possibly be worse.
If there was one way, one way that i could even imagine being able to feed you, clothe you, and put a roof over your head i would be able to find the strength to carry on with you. But I cant, my mind cannot come up with one creative idea this time, i cannot even think of one way that you and i would make it, in reality. We could run away together, live off of welfare and hope for the best. But is that really good enough? I want better for you.
Is it better to subject you to an unstable life of poverty or to end things where they are now? Is it really fair to give you away so that you can wonder why your parents didnt want you? I know first hand there is no pain worse in this world than knowing that your parent didnt want you. I have asked myself many times why i was even brought into this world. I cannot risk doing that to someone else.
I want you to know that I am sorry that I am not strong enough, creative enough or responsible enough to keep you. I want you to know that I wish more than anything in the world that i could give you a good life. I want you to know that this is the hardest thing i have gone through in my 25 years on this earth. My heart hurts more today than it did when my father took his life.
even thought this is a hard decision to make, even though i have been torn to pieces trying to make one, i have always enjoyed having you here. i am going to miss knowing that you are there, growing inside of me. Tomorrow there will be a huge piece of my soul that goes with you. There will be pain in my heart every time i am reminded of the fact that you were once there, a part of me. I thought of you in the grocery store today, walking down the isle strolling past the crackers and realizing i wont need snacks anymore since you wont be here, with me, needing nourishment. I touch my belly now and then and wonder if you're okay, if you're a boy or a girl, what you look like now. I picture you a newborn, at 6 months, 4 years. I saw a woman with her daughter on the train and she was cute, so cute i imagined she could have been you. normally this would make me smile but instead my heart just broke more, if that is still even possible. Since i'm being honest here i actually wished for a moment i had fallen in front of the train i just mentioned.
In my wildest dreams, your father wants you, too. We live in a home where we know we are secure, and one of us has a job that can pay the bills. We both watch my belly grow and enjoy every moment, happily awaiting your arrival. We put together a nursery and i even endure a baby shower so that you can have all the things that babies nowadays need. We are happy, we are hopeful. You arrive and we are scared and nervous but we've got each other and things work out, through good and bad. We watch you grow and develop with pride and do the best we can to guide you.
I wish dreams really came true. I wish i had more faith in myself and in others. I wish i was more responsible. In reality, i feel like i have no other choice. If i continue to carry you inside me, i will become attached and you will be stuck with an unfit mother, out of my own selfishness and love. I dont know what else to do. There is no right answer here. I hate myself more and more with each passing moment.
I suppose most of all, i want you to know that even though your little heart will no longer be beating in 7 hours, that you were loved, and i am sorry, more sorry than i can ever express in words or on paper.
I am going to miss you, i am going to think of you often, wonder what you would have been like, if things would have worked out had i been stronger. I am going to feel guilty. I am going to mourn your loss. A part of me shall always wish there were some other way. I am sorrier that you can ever know. I pray that you feel no pain and are completely unaware of what i am doing to you. I pray that you can forgive me and I can forgive myself.
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