I made a doctors appointment today and then cancelled it.

"Will you be carrying out the pregnancy with the doctor?" the receptionist asked.

I realized I was calling the wrong place. They only wanted to see me if I wanted to have a healthy baby, a pregnancy. Not an abortion.

John and I had been talking and talking and could not think of any other way.

I have been crying myself to sleep , if i even do sleep, and I cry a lot during the day now.

This afternoon I was laying on my bed, dozing since I have been getting tired in the afternoons lately, and I realized that I needed to call Planned Parenthood. I probably didn't have much time.

I had plugged my last period date into an online due date calculator, and it seems like I may be further along than I had thought, or hoped. Congratulations! it said, you are 12 weeks. Your due date is June 12th! The tears flowed as I read this. This was supposed to be a happy time.
People we supposed to be happy about this baby, and they just weren't. It ripped my heart out.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This isn't how things are supposed to turn out in my life.

I made the call and they scheduled me for Saturday! Three days and I would no longer have her inside of me, it was too soon, but I knew in my heart i had no more time.