checking in

it seems as though things are getting easier.
i think, i hope. i worry sometimes when its going ok and i am not feeling sad because these types of things can come up and bite you in the butt when you least expect it.

Physically i feel like i've finally recovered. i am able to do all the normal things i did before, sex, long walks, etc. i am not bleeding and am awaiting my first period since july. I pray that it is not as painful as i think it could be, with all i've put my uterus through and being one of those lucky heavy bleeders as it is... If there is great cramping i worry that it may remind me of how i felt after the procedure (on a smaller scale) and i really hope it goes smoothly.

i am so nervous now about getting pregnant again, because i've been told that after a d&c you are even more fertile, and when you go on the shot (as i did) it takes a month to kick in, i've been making john wear condoms to be extra safe. how ironic would it be, to go through all this because the time isnt right and my life isnt stable, and then get pregnant right away because of a birth control slip up. i dont think my body could handle it, emotionally, and i promised myself that i am never having an abortion again, no matter what the situation, so it would be a pretty crazy situation and i find myself hyper vigilant to prevent it.

john and i have stopped talking about it for the time being, it seems to be on the back burner.
most days i wake up now and know that it was for the best, i cant picture myself as a parent and cannot even imagine what life would be like if i had kept the baby. there will definitely always be the "what if..." thoughts in the back of my mind, but i suppose that is to be expected.

i think time has helped to heal this wound a bit, just a bit. I also hope that someday when i am more mature, in a stable relationship for a longer period of time, and set in some type of career that is stable and fulfilling i can have a family of my own. not having this baby, not having what could have been has made me realize that i do want it, when the time is right, or at least feasible. i still feel the need to apologize to my baby, the one that came along at the worst possible time, i feel the need to tell her that i am forever and ever, deeply sorry.

i promised myself that if i didnt go through with the pregnancy, that i would go to school.
so i applied, and i am submitting all of the paperwork and filled out my fafsa, so now i am waiting to hear if i got in. i had to at least do that for myself, its almost as if it makes what happened a little more ok with me, like the reason for not having a child was a solid one (i need an education first) so it was very, very important for me to do it.

another thing that haunted me, was when i got on the table at planned parenthood, the wheeled a trash can beneath my legs. i could not STAND the thought of my baby going into a trash can, and I also had horrible thoughts of my baby, happily resting inside my womb and then kicking and screaming when the metal object came at her to expel her from me. but through discussing this with a midwife, her answer (albeit a potentially generic one) helped me. she said whenever you go against nature, it's just not pretty. it helped me to understand that what i was doing was traumatic, for me, the baby, my womb, and there was no way around it. it is what it is, and once i understood, i began to accept it for what it was, and somehow became a bit more at peace with it.

new years

i am praying for a better new year. i have had so much stress, pain, and heartache i really hope it happens. i am so worried about John, this is tearing him up inside and he doesn't have an outlet (like i do with writing) to let it all out. i suggested yesterday that maybe he right a letter to sophie, like i did. it's really a hard thing to do. you have to really feel the pain deep inside of you that is locked up and let it out to be honest in a letter like that. He's also struggling with the being a man and feeling bad for crying or showing so much feeling. well, he has a safe place here, with me, to talk about it. things are really hard right now, but we are trying, doing our best to get through.
new year's eve he had too much to drink (like everyone else, right?) well when that happens he gets mean, and we had a fight over nothing, literally, nothing. well i know it was something underlying but his intoxicated mind couldnt put it into words so he just took it out on me. not physically but he's just MEAN, and then he threatens to leave, which is the last thing i want to hear when we've invested so much time in each other and working on things, and when we love each other so much. we didnt see the ball drop. the beginning of the night was amazing, dancing etc at a club (which usually isnt my style but we had friends visiting so why not) well now i know why not. he cant handle it. i have to be the one to make sure everyone gets home on the subway safe, John almost got arrested because he slipped through the security door instead of swiping his card, right in front of a cop. I had to smooth it over, talk him back to the other side and to go through the right way. it was a nightmare. i just want peace and happiness in my life but it seems as though the choices i make and sometimes the person i am with just don't facilitate that. my heart aches and my uterus is still sore. i am sick of being sick of this, and frustrated right now. It has been a trying year, and the abortion was the icing on the cake. I hope and pray for a calm, peaceful, serene new year. and i've sworn off alchohol, which wont be hard at all since i barely drink anyway. it's just not worth it.