i am praying for a better new year. i have had so much stress, pain, and heartache i really hope it happens. i am so worried about John, this is tearing him up inside and he doesn't have an outlet (like i do with writing) to let it all out. i suggested yesterday that maybe he right a letter to sophie, like i did. it's really a hard thing to do. you have to really feel the pain deep inside of you that is locked up and let it out to be honest in a letter like that. He's also struggling with the being a man and feeling bad for crying or showing so much feeling. well, he has a safe place here, with me, to talk about it. things are really hard right now, but we are trying, doing our best to get through.
new year's eve he had too much to drink (like everyone else, right?) well when that happens he gets mean, and we had a fight over nothing, literally, nothing. well i know it was something underlying but his intoxicated mind couldnt put it into words so he just took it out on me. not physically but he's just MEAN, and then he threatens to leave, which is the last thing i want to hear when we've invested so much time in each other and working on things, and when we love each other so much. we didnt see the ball drop. the beginning of the night was amazing, dancing etc at a club (which usually isnt my style but we had friends visiting so why not) well now i know why not. he cant handle it. i have to be the one to make sure everyone gets home on the subway safe, John almost got arrested because he slipped through the security door instead of swiping his card, right in front of a cop. I had to smooth it over, talk him back to the other side and to go through the right way. it was a nightmare. i just want peace and happiness in my life but it seems as though the choices i make and sometimes the person i am with just don't facilitate that. my heart aches and my uterus is still sore. i am sick of being sick of this, and frustrated right now. It has been a trying year, and the abortion was the icing on the cake. I hope and pray for a calm, peaceful, serene new year. and i've sworn off alchohol, which wont be hard at all since i barely drink anyway. it's just not worth it.
1 comment:
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry your procedure was so screwed up and you were not treated with compassion by Planned Parenthood--although that doesn't surprise me, from other accounts I've heard.
I had an abortion last February. It was a very similar situation--my partner and I were on shaky ground, and there was no way we could afford to give a child what it needed. I, too, hated myself so much for what I had to do, but I know it was the best thing we could do with the circumstances we had. I still feel a deep sadness about it from time to time, I wish it could have been different, but the emotional pain does get better. I cried reading your letter to Sophie, it was so much like what I tried to communicate to Kyle, which is what we named ours.
I wish you well.
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