checking in

it seems as though things are getting easier.
i think, i hope. i worry sometimes when its going ok and i am not feeling sad because these types of things can come up and bite you in the butt when you least expect it.

Physically i feel like i've finally recovered. i am able to do all the normal things i did before, sex, long walks, etc. i am not bleeding and am awaiting my first period since july. I pray that it is not as painful as i think it could be, with all i've put my uterus through and being one of those lucky heavy bleeders as it is... If there is great cramping i worry that it may remind me of how i felt after the procedure (on a smaller scale) and i really hope it goes smoothly.

i am so nervous now about getting pregnant again, because i've been told that after a d&c you are even more fertile, and when you go on the shot (as i did) it takes a month to kick in, i've been making john wear condoms to be extra safe. how ironic would it be, to go through all this because the time isnt right and my life isnt stable, and then get pregnant right away because of a birth control slip up. i dont think my body could handle it, emotionally, and i promised myself that i am never having an abortion again, no matter what the situation, so it would be a pretty crazy situation and i find myself hyper vigilant to prevent it.

john and i have stopped talking about it for the time being, it seems to be on the back burner.
most days i wake up now and know that it was for the best, i cant picture myself as a parent and cannot even imagine what life would be like if i had kept the baby. there will definitely always be the "what if..." thoughts in the back of my mind, but i suppose that is to be expected.

i think time has helped to heal this wound a bit, just a bit. I also hope that someday when i am more mature, in a stable relationship for a longer period of time, and set in some type of career that is stable and fulfilling i can have a family of my own. not having this baby, not having what could have been has made me realize that i do want it, when the time is right, or at least feasible. i still feel the need to apologize to my baby, the one that came along at the worst possible time, i feel the need to tell her that i am forever and ever, deeply sorry.

i promised myself that if i didnt go through with the pregnancy, that i would go to school.
so i applied, and i am submitting all of the paperwork and filled out my fafsa, so now i am waiting to hear if i got in. i had to at least do that for myself, its almost as if it makes what happened a little more ok with me, like the reason for not having a child was a solid one (i need an education first) so it was very, very important for me to do it.

another thing that haunted me, was when i got on the table at planned parenthood, the wheeled a trash can beneath my legs. i could not STAND the thought of my baby going into a trash can, and I also had horrible thoughts of my baby, happily resting inside my womb and then kicking and screaming when the metal object came at her to expel her from me. but through discussing this with a midwife, her answer (albeit a potentially generic one) helped me. she said whenever you go against nature, it's just not pretty. it helped me to understand that what i was doing was traumatic, for me, the baby, my womb, and there was no way around it. it is what it is, and once i understood, i began to accept it for what it was, and somehow became a bit more at peace with it.