Remains of 4 pre-term Md. infants found

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070731/ap_on_re_us/mother_charged;_ylt=Av.iTkkJz9dk2ZinSN9S4q9H2ocA

This is just crazy. Although who am I to judge...but, really. Please note: don't read if you are sensitive to really depressing news stories.

a brighter day...

John is in school now, and in two years he will have a job that can support a family, which we both seem to want. I am working in a job that also helps with that, although I think we will move to the suburbs to have children. Having a child is scary to begin with, but I think it will be much less scarier when we know that we will be able to care for the child and provide for the child. I pray that my experience does not make my future pregnancy too sad. Maybe it will be healing, I don't know. What I do know is that I went from the type of person who didn't give a thought to having children to the type of person who has the complete desire to experience such a wonderful gift, life. I will never, ever forget Sophie. I will always be truly and deeply sorry that entire situation happened as it did. If I could go back right now (knowing what life is like having made the choice not to have her) I really don't know how it would affect my decision. I was so lost at the time, with no job, a new apartment, and John having just moved here and newly employed at a starting rate. Things were just too unstable. I am working to build stability, if not for a future child but also for myself. Last night I was reading a book about a woman who was told that her child died at birth (even though it was taken away to a "home" because she was born with down syndrome). I wept as the woman went through her life feeling empty, wondering what it would be like had her daughter been there sharing experiences. I broke down into tears when the woman, the main character kept saying "it's as though Phoebe is at the top of the stairs, always kind of there but just out of reach". I know how she feels. I think that once a woman carries a life inside her, no matter what the circumstances, she is in some way attached to that life. And if part of her wants to nourish that life, the loss of it will forever be a part of her that is lost. A missing piece.
Thankfully, John was more than understanding and sat up and held me while I cried, talked with me about his feelings, and helped me get to bed.

well it has been a long time. There have been many highs and lows on this journey.

for awhile, i thought i was pregnant again (even thought we've been careful).
then i decided to go off the depo shot (because i was getting anxius about having one, and almost passed out/threw up when i did...it was traumatic!)

since i went off the shot, i bled for at least three months straight. worse than the bleeding was the stabbing pain that reminded me of "right after". i'd lie awake at night and wonder what I had done to myself and if it was even worth it all? I do know one thing for sure. Personally, I can not withstand another one. I believe it is each of our own decisions what we do with our bodies, yes. And my body is telling me no more!
It's also a funny thing when you hit 26. at 25 I thought, I could care less if I ever had a baby in my lifetime. At 26, i can FEEL the clock ticking. Not that I have to, but i WANT to.
Which is why I am employed full time and John has gone back to school. We plan to start a family in a few years when we feel our children will have a much more stable, happy, and healthy home to be brought up in.