a brighter day...

John is in school now, and in two years he will have a job that can support a family, which we both seem to want. I am working in a job that also helps with that, although I think we will move to the suburbs to have children. Having a child is scary to begin with, but I think it will be much less scarier when we know that we will be able to care for the child and provide for the child. I pray that my experience does not make my future pregnancy too sad. Maybe it will be healing, I don't know. What I do know is that I went from the type of person who didn't give a thought to having children to the type of person who has the complete desire to experience such a wonderful gift, life. I will never, ever forget Sophie. I will always be truly and deeply sorry that entire situation happened as it did. If I could go back right now (knowing what life is like having made the choice not to have her) I really don't know how it would affect my decision. I was so lost at the time, with no job, a new apartment, and John having just moved here and newly employed at a starting rate. Things were just too unstable. I am working to build stability, if not for a future child but also for myself. Last night I was reading a book about a woman who was told that her child died at birth (even though it was taken away to a "home" because she was born with down syndrome). I wept as the woman went through her life feeling empty, wondering what it would be like had her daughter been there sharing experiences. I broke down into tears when the woman, the main character kept saying "it's as though Phoebe is at the top of the stairs, always kind of there but just out of reach". I know how she feels. I think that once a woman carries a life inside her, no matter what the circumstances, she is in some way attached to that life. And if part of her wants to nourish that life, the loss of it will forever be a part of her that is lost. A missing piece.
Thankfully, John was more than understanding and sat up and held me while I cried, talked with me about his feelings, and helped me get to bed.