Well it's been a year, and a day since I had my abortion. Saying the word still makes me cringe, thinking that I went through at of that... me, me?!? It just doesn't make sense in my mind. I was never that person, that girl, the one who had the problems and messed up life. Oh wait, yeah, that is me, and this is called denial!
That doesn't mean that life isn't good, it's just shocking to look back and think, "that happened to me?". I think at the time I was in such a state of shock and disbelief, I think I am still processing it all. And I think these anniversaries can be a bit depressing. It's not even something I consciously think about, yet every once in awhile it dawns on me when I am walking around, or doing nothing out of the ordinary- that a year ago I was living through one of the worst things I have experienced so far. It's been a good year, and a trying year all at the same time. John and I split up, fairly recently. There were just too many skeletons in the closet- and he is not as good at locking them up and throwing away the key, at least not without chemical assistance.
The move was bittersweet, an ending and a beginning wrapped up together, too close for comfort yet not able to be separated, either. It was for the best- but there are always nights when you are lonely, and it's nice to have someone there because you can't sleep... to be by your side when the night and the past haunt you. We are still friendly, still keep in touch. When we do see each other it is painful, he still says he regrets everything and often cries when I see him. And I don't know how I feel when this happens. Relief that I am not tied to someone who abuses substances and reminds me of the bad parts of my dad, just a bit too much. Sadness that another thing in my life didn't work out. Memories, of a year ago. Painful and hard to take in, the rush over me when I see the tears in his eyes, the look on his face. The same look he had when he leaned over me, a year ago, and cried because he could see the pain I was in.
I think that my body is having sympathetic pains. My boobs are all swollen - to the point where I even went through a really sore stage. I felt like I might be pregnant- so I took a test even though I finally got my period. My back aches and it feels like someone is stabbing me in the uterus. Is this a case of mind over matter/body? As I was walking to the bathroom to take it, to be sure, I thought- if I have to make this decision, again: I'd rather die. It's just one of those situations where it's really hard to see the positive side, really hard to weigh your options- because you don't feel like you have any. It's something that is happening to your body, and you need to address it no matter what your plan of action is, and take action. You have no choice but to make a choice.
How do I deal with this? How do I accept the fact that this happened to me, that my body is reacting strangely, and that I am still deeply sad a year after the fact? It's hard, it really is. In the end, I still think I made the right decision. I just wish I never had to make it in the first place.
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