I told my mom today that we wouldn't be keeping the baby. She seemed really sad at first, and called me back later to tell me that she understands why and that unfortunately, it does seem like the only option.

I spent most of the day crying.

I looked up picture of what sophie looks like right now, inside of me. At first I named her sophia, which means wise, a name i had always loved. but sophie just seemed right and thats what i was calling her now. I cried harder as i looked at her little eyes, arms, legs, realized that her heart is beating inside of me and she has all of her organs. In one more month, I'd be able to feel her moving inside of me. I'm sorry, I told her, through tears. I am so, so sorry for what I am going to do to you. I hope you can forgive me.

I have been eating so much lately. Its like the baby just absorbs everything and leaves nothing behind for me. If i don't eat every three hours, I get a horrible headache and become ravenously hungry (and very bitchy)

Walking around today I was more aware of the baby inside of me, a constant companion. I touch my stomach more (i am showing a tiny bit) and think of her (i have decided its a girl) all the time.
When i eat, when i sleep, every decision is based on what is good for her. I guess I already have a bit of that maternal instinct, although in the back of my mind i know that i probably will never see this baby be born, live life, look into her eyes.

John came home today. I think after the initial shock and happiness of it all wore off, reality set in.
We were just getting back together and had many, many things to work through. He was just moving here to a new city and beginning a new job that didn't pay as much and we could barely afford to support ourselves. There was no room in the apartment we found for a child. He pointed out that everything we planned and dreamed for in life would change. We wanted to travel, we wanted to see the world and experience more. I needed to finish school. One of us needed a steady job. And we live in a city now where raising a child is much more of a challenge than most other places.

The doubts began to set in. In my mind I knew he was right. In my heart, well, my heart just broke. I couldn't imagine myself as a mother, but I couldn't imagine not having this child.
The last thing I wanted to do was "trap" John into a situation where he wouldn't be happy. If I was going to have this baby, I was going to have to come up with a plan to do it all on my own.
As much as I tried, I couldn't come up with many ways...
Neither of our families were very supportive, I am on unemployment and usually work in the restaurant industry, which means long hours and no room to call in sick-ever. And I couldnt work in the late stages of pregnancy. I could barely work in the early stages. And there was no where for us to live. This city is competetive and expensive when it comes to apartments, we were lucky to find the one we have and can barely afford it. I have horrible credit thanks to our divorce and can't get an apartment on my own. My fairy tale story, my happily ever after, was turning into a welfare nightmare.
I wanted my child to have the best chance at life. I didnt want my child to have the struggle emotionally and financially that I had. I was beginning to feel like i'd be repeating history. bringing another child into the world that barely had a fighting chance.

I just found out that I am pregnant. Me? pregnant? I am in shock. It is the day after thanksgiving. I was laying in bed, half dozing in the morning and i realized it had been just too long since i had my last period. I didn't think I could be pregnant though because I had gone for my yearly exam on September 27th and the doctor didnt say anything. I haven't had my period since August. I think. Something told me it was time to get out of bed and buy a pregnancy test.

for a few years I was married, and tried to have children. It just didnt work, so I thought something was wrong with me. Now every time I thought that I might be pregnant, i remembered the times when we tried (and boy did we try) and it didn't work. I really thought I couldn't get pregnant, so there must be something wrong with me that was stopping my period.
John and I were divorced, I moved away, and over time we reconciled. We were just beginning to reconcile, looking for an apartment to share together and had just started counseling. He was the only one I was sleeping with. It hadn't worked before, for so many years, so it just couldn't be possible now.


I had ignored the two women who told me I "looked pregnant". How does someone look pregnant?
I had ignored the fact that when John would hug me, my boobs heart so bad I screamed in pain.
I had ignored the fact that my boobs no longer fit in any of my bras, and my jeans didn't fit me either.

I went to work every morning too tired to walk the stairs in the subway. Escalators and elevators were my best friends. Standing for more than five minutes made me want to pass out and possibly throw up. but I hadnt had any morning sickness, so it couldn't be.

It must be mono, cancer, stress, depression... but as i sat on the toilet watching the screen on the test flash a few times and then announce that i was PREGNANT, my mind still could not grasp it.

They say that your heart knows things about your body and your feelings, and tries to tell you these things subtly. In my heart I knew all along, but in my brain I could not grasp that this could happen to me.

My brother had come for thanksgiving and John was back home visiting his family. I called him that morning, shaking and crying, and told him the news. He was happy, thrilled that it was possible, then started telling me different ways we could do this, do this together and it would all be alright. If we didn't have enough money, we could move in with is mom. He couldn't wait to see what his child looked like, he hoped it was a girl, and she'd be as beautiful as me.
My heart melted when he said that. Thoughts of the three of us poured through my mind.

I needed a lot of reassuring that things would be ok. When we got off the phone I swore off caffeine, alchohol, anything that would hurt the baby.
Everywhere I went, the baby was on my mind.

Later that day my brother and I went for a walk in the park. It was the day after Thanksgiving so it was filled with families. I was surrounded by children, babies, parents, grandparents. I kept staring at them, trying to imagine what it would be like. I kept touching my stomach imagining it growing and imagining the feeling of the baby, our baby, moving inside of me.
I was scared, but John seemed pretty sure and positive that we would think of a way to make it work.