after effects

I was in the grocery store with my aunt the other day and we ran into her friend, who is 6 months pregnant. I realized that I would be too, had my life situations allowed. My aunt was so joyous and talking with her happily about it. All I could do was nod my head meekly and return her glowing grin with a pathetic half smile, turning my head quickly away to hide the pain and try not to cry.

I can't be happy for others yet. I am not in a place where i can relate to or feel any of that joy for someone else. My wound is still extremely raw, wide open, and in need of careful healing. I just could not feel it, and I am not one to fake emotions, it's something I think is shallow and try to avoid doing, so I did my best to get through the situation and thankfully it passed quickly.

I know that there is so much more healing that needs to be done.

I am trying this new kind of therapy where you put the person in a chair across from you (with a therapist) and tell them whatever you'd like to say to them (living or dead or in between).
I put Sophie in the chair and tearfully told her that I am sorry, so very deeply truly sorry that I wasn't ready for her yet and that someday, when the time is right she can come back to me and our life will be better...I will be able to be the mother and provider that she needs and deserves.

At night before I go to sleep I send her my love peace and hope. During the day I do my best to not to be so hard on myself. She is always on my mind, lingering there in the back of the surface of my consciousness until she is brought back front and center in full force by situations such as another happy pregnant woman.

I try to envision her before I go to sleep at night not as something deposited into the hazardous waste bin at the end of my body, legs in stirrups, a painful and traumatic thought. I replace that thought, sometimes I have to repeat this over and over again, with the vision of her, my Sophie, safe and peaceful, and I paint her in pink, I send her love and peace.

In the mean time I try to take it day by day, and do my best to understand that it will all be easier with time passing, with healing, with taking care of myself mentally emotionally and physically, and with therapy. (which I think is a very, very important thing for most women who have had an abortion that was traumatic to them)
If this has happened to you, please do not stuff or deny your feelings. Please reach out for help and take care of yourself. You deserve it. We all deserve it.

With all of this being said, it still does not change the fact that most of all, if I had one wish, it would be that this had never, ever happened. But I realize that everything, everything single thing that happens in our lives is for a reason; and that everything, good or bad (or even horribly traumatic) can be a lesson if you allow it to be. The very least one can do in a situation like this is learn from it. And through all of this suffering that is my goal. To heal my wounds and to learn the lessons I was meant to learn.