time for my depo shot

It's been three months exactly. Which means I had to go get a depo shot so that I don't risk pregnancy again. I thought it would be fine, because I arranged to have it in my doctor's office and not at the place where my pregnancy was terminated. I explained ahead of time to the nurse that I had a bad experience and still felt traumatized, so she was wonderful, caring, and supportive during my visit.

The problem is, I still had that image in my mind of the nurse (just after waking up from the abortion) grabbing my arm and jabbing me roughly with the needle, as I white knuckle the chair in incredible pain from the procedure.

So even though I tried not to think about it all, went in bravely and positively, the waiting made me anxious and I almost passed out while she was giving me the shot. I had overcome that years ago, but here it was again, I was dizzy and felt like I was going to throw up on the spot.

The shot was over just as I was pretty sure I'd be puking on the floor, and my nerves cooled off a bit.

I left the doctors office and got into my car. Tears came streaming down my face. Memories of the nights I was up crying before the procedure came rushing back. And worse, I started to think of having a little someone growing inside of me, wondering what they looked like and felt at that moment. I cried the entire way home.

John has been having dreams of running through fields holding the hand of his daughter, who looks like a tiny version of me. He wants a child. So we are both going to school and working on ourselves and our personal issues as well as relationship issues so that we can have a child the right way. The child can grow up in a happy, healthy, supportive and STABLE home.
someday.