life does go on

I went to visit my grandma yesterday. She found out through my mom what had happened. It was kind of hard to keep her in the dark considering the fact that we are somewhat close. She lost a baby (one of 6 total) and had to carry it full term, knowing that the child inside her was dead, because it was the 50's and that's the way they did things back then. We now have something in common, albeit under different circumstances, we realized that the loss of any life growing inside of you is extremely hard and emotionally it tears you to pieces. It was really, truly a wonderful thing to feel the support, understanding, and love from my Grandmother yesterday. Although the circumstances were different, the feelings are very, very similar.

Having an abortion has rocked my world. I am in counseling and on anti depressants. Sometimes I need medication for panic attacks. This was yet another loss in my life, and yes I chose this but I felt I had no other choice. I made the decision based on the quality of life my child would have had, had I continued the pregnancy. Growing up, I had parents who tried but were unstable financially and in their relationship, who were emotionally abusive and threatened physical violence. I cannot have a child, after years of trying to cope with my childhood, unless I know that I can provide a better life for them than I led growing up. Although, if I do get pregnant again, I am having the baby (don't worry I am on the depo shot and being really careful!). If that were to happen I am prepared now. There are parenting classes that focus on reducing child abuse through education, and I would attend those. I am also in therapy to work on my own issues to give me the confidence that I could raise a child without mentally ruining them, which is how I feel right now because of all of the things in my life I have yet to deal with.

Abortion is so traumatic and brings up so many issues, I do not ever want to experience it again.
It seems as though a lot of anti-abortion people think that mothers who "kill" their babies don't think of them as human and are very heartless about it all, as if they don't care what they are doing and don't see the reality of abortion. That wasn't me. I weighed all of my options. I realize fully what I did and take responsibility for it each and every day of my life. But most importantly I know that I am not bringing a child into a world where his/her family life would be chaos, where there is little hope for them to have a happy future. In my "selfishness", I thought of the child and the child only. I still pray everyday that there was no pain to my Sophie, that she didn't know what was happening and that she is someplace better now. It pains me to think otherwise and I am so sorry, Sophie. Everyone has their beliefs on this subject, I have heard the range of them. This is what I have to believe to be strong and continue on.

If healthcare were free for everyone, if daycare were free or reasonable, if I had a family able to step in when I needed help, a stable income, things would be different. But that is not reality. Reality is a world that is not set up to help women who are alone and pregnant and don't have many options to give their children a good life. I know that what I did was the only thing I could do, given my situation, and that I did it in a very informed, responsible way.

Someday I hope to have a child, someday when I have finished school and have a steady job, a place to live that won't change every year as it did when I was little, friends to support me emotionally, and the ability to feed and clothe and get my child the proper healthcare he/she deserves. This is not a matter of "when the time is right for me" or "I just didnt want the child because I want to finish school". It is a matter of quality of life for the child, putting the child first. You have to give your children a head start in this world with love, nurturing, stability, support, mature parents, guidance... or they will grow up as my brother and I did and flounder around, frustrated and lost, yet trying to find their way to be able to support themselves, learn how to give and receive love in a healthy way, know what their hobbies and passions are and pursue them, find a career that is satisfying, take care of their health and mental well being. Things as simple as going to college, holding down a job, knowing how to build and keep good credit, live a life that is happy and fulfilling, are all very vital and get lost in the cracks when parents are lost themselves. I want my child to have the chance to make it somewhere in the world, with two parents there for support and guidance. I cannot bear the thought of knowingly making someone else grow up as I have. I want to break the cycle in my family of abuse, neglect, poverty, unhappiness. Until I am able to do so, it is not a responsible thing for me to have a child.